Coming OUT

The 'Coming Out' Experience Questionnaire
Please respond to all questions in relation to LGBTQ issues.
Please describe your K-12 educational environment.
Growing up in a rural area like the Uintah Basin, there tends to be very little diversity, and unfortunately most folks in such areas fear what they don't understand/aren't familiar with.
So for my teachers, they found me to be quite unique in many aspects… I suppose that only a handful of them had any inklings about my sexuality as a child (perhaps because of America's disregard of sexuality in children at all, as thought kids were asexual beings), though I suppose a few might have had their suspicions. Regardless I was treated well, and even loved in a way by all but two of my pre-high school teachers; both of which were rather unpleasant people to begin with.
After I realized my own sexuality, and found that it was becoming more and more apparent, (Middle school/ 6th grade) I became more and more introverted and dark, building up loathing for my classmates who would tease me for different things (mainly height and jokes about my sexuality). In jr. high I found that befriending more girls would afford me more protection from meaner boys, for the girls would stand up for me, and would shun any guy who would do or say anything mean to me… that isn't to say that I wasn't teased or even bullied, for that still happened, (even more so than in middle school, and this time much more violent/physically).
In high school I had already built a good reputation as being a powerful person who shouldn't be messed with, (mainly due to the fact that almost every teacher knew me and thought very highly of me, and would do their best to stand up for me, & also due to the fact that I had a rather good report with most girls in the school, and a good deal of the guys… for the most part the only people who persisted their pestering were guys who belonged to the "jock" clique, and many of them I highly suspect were homosexual themselves and found that by picking on others they could deflect attention away from themselves.
Classes were always good to me (save the useless subject of Math) and none, (save for my Studio Art class) really had much of an insight into my increasingly apparent sexuality. In the Studio Art Class, I continually worked with homoerotic themes thinly veiled, and anyone who wasn't ignorant would be able to see the message of pain I was conveying.
My sexuality really wasn't brought too much into the lime light until, my very first boyfriend and I really started to be a couple (even though since he was closeted, and requested the relationship be closeted as well… we didn't truly "date" in a traditional sense). Once I had let my foolish self become so overly obsessed with the dammed boy I found the façade I had been hiding behind suddenly crash into a thousand pieces. It didn't matter too much to me, for I had already came out to most of my family and friends and didn't true give a damn about what society had to say about it.
What life event(s) significantly influenced your 'coming out'?
There were many different things that factored in it, making me come out in stages. First to myself…I had to do it twice actually.
I remember having very vague thoughts about other boys in my child hood, but they were never really central to the mindset of my young mind, and weren't fully understood even. Then when my body and libido began to change at `round age 13, I figured that I was bisexual (which technically I still am (4.5-5.5 on the Kinsey Scale)). I never voiced the thought to myself, just simply pushed the thought away, and thought to myself, "No! You can't be gay or bi, those people are evil and sick, and mom says God hates them and will send them all to Hell!" So continuing with the definition that was presented to me by both my mother's bible quotes and what my sister had told me when I asked her what a gay person was, I decide I was simply a guy who was attracted to other guys.
The summer of the year I was 13, I was practicing driving my mom's pickup with her on our way home on the back roads from our Maybell Ranch to Highway 40, and I told her that I thought I was bisexual. She became very quite, and then said that it couldn't be so, and told me that I was wrong about it, and that we should never talk about it again. After being so quickly rebuked I felt that it would be in my best interest to just be straight, and thought that I was conducting myself as a heterosexual boy would. I dated girls, but never really felt anything for them, and even the two girls who I did feel attracted to, I never made a move, and just simply kept dating them in a friend-type way.
This continued `till my 17th birthday. I took my friend Chelsea out for a date, (a movie I think it was), and then took her back to her house where we sat in my truck and visited for a long spell, with many long pauses, and very little eye contact. Eventually I asked Chelsea, if I could be her boyfriend. She responded with "Quayle, I don't think that would be a good idea for you or me… somehow I figure neither you nor me would be happy attempting that kind of a relationship", after that she jumped out of my truck and I just sat there for a good long moment, before something clicked inside me.
Everything that I had repressed and bottled away since that time my mother rebuked me, suddenly came exploding into my mind, I saw myself for what I was… and saw all the expectations that my family had of me.
My family was strongly embedded with the mindset of "honor & obligation", a way of thinking that was driven into us with the reinforcement of corporal punishment. Being "raised by the switch" taught us at a young age that there were things that were right, and there were things that were wrong, and there was little to no gray area between. By having a physical reminder put into place us kids were able to see that we had an obligation to the family, and that whenever we didn't fulfill that obligation we cost the family and ourselves honor… making a dent in family honor, would always be accompanied with an obligation to do something to repay the damage. Eventually the child will realize this and the dishonor/shame will hurt the child much more than the actual switch… it is at this time that that the child becomes their own worst enemy and the switch is no longer necessary.
Following this mindset, I saw that I had an obligation to my family's honor, to do something about my newly acknowledged sexuality. So I started up my truck and headed home, stopping just before I reached the ranch. I got out of my truck and went up to the top of a cliff where I would always sit to watch the sunset, and talk to God. Except this sunset, was to be my last. I figured that I owed it to my family to rid them of my existence so I wouldn't bring them shame. There on the cliff edge I sat and talked to GOD long past the sun's actual setting. I then took my breath, and leaned over the edge only to be blasted back by an undercurrent of wind rising up the cliff face. I came to my senses and realized that was GOD's way of saying, "You dumbass! It isn't your time!" *smack* It is only after this time that I feel like I really let GOD into my heart, that before I kinda` did, but was keeping a big secret (that wasn't a secret) from HIM.
P.S. I now capitalize all three letters in GOD/HIM/HIS…etc. as a way of showing my own belief in the Trinity and that by capitalizing all three letters I give honor and respect to all three parts of the Trinity (Father, Son, & Holly Spirit) equally as one, in no particular order.
Describe the support systems you experienced or did not experience in the following areas:
Family
Sister
After I came out to myself (5/10/2004) I came out to my sister at the first of June the same year, after she and I had watched a film called The Object of My Affection which featured the main character as a gay man. After the film my sister had me help her unload something out of her Power Stroke ®, and as she slammed the tailgate up, she asked/said, "Quayle, you're gay aren't ya`"? I replied very matter-O'-factly, "Yes", She then said, "I always thought so… let's never talk about this". Then she walked away.
Ever since that time until May 2005, we did just that… didn't talk, and in fact I think that she was purposefully avoiding me. But in May, I had my boyfriend of that time come out to the ranch for a date (of sorts… I don't know if he considered himself my boyfriend at all, since he was closeted, and I was the one who planed everything that we did together). She came in while he and I were eating the meal I had made for us, after we had gotten back from our horse ride/hike. She yelled at me as she opened the door to come help her unload her truck, and then came father into the house (tracking oilfield mud mind-you, on the carpet I had cleaned just for Jeff's visit). She came up to Jeff, and said, "You must be Jeff", *grabbed his hand for a handshake* "Nice to meet ya`" Then she left, leaving Jeff, rubbing his hand where she had crushed it in her strong grip.
After that, and after Jeff pushed me away, me and KaDee got along much better, and she even shared some of her own story about the first guy she ever fell in love with, and how he hurt her, much like how Jeff had hurt me. She also had opened up and even teased me a little in good humor, and asked me questions, which showed me that she was opening up.
Here this last summer past (2006) I had my current boyfriend (Nathan) come out to the ranch to live with me. During that time I introduced him to all of my family (only as my boyfriend to some… but even those that I introduced him to as "my friend" could see that we are something more in addition to that). KaDee was cold and distant at first, fearing that Nathan would be another Jefferson for me; but after she saw that he was real gold and not pyrite, she came to like him more. She even teased him a little at thanksgiving (just a few weeks ago), which is a good sign of some form of affection from my sister.
? Mother ?
After having attempted to come out to my mom when I was 13, I desperately feared coming out to her again (especially since during that summer of 2004 my dad admitted to having committed adultery, and requested to be divorced from my mother, who he said he no longer loved). So I figured I could take the coward's way out and write something up, rather than telling her in person, face-to-face. I wrote a poem that explained that I was gay, and saved it to my computer. My mother, being the nosey creature all mothers seem to be, found the file and opened it. So on July 14th 2004, (the same day as a 14 year old boy drowned just up river at Split Mt. Campground) I came home after a 10 hour day of Park Service work, came through my back door and found my mom at the computer, a nice little ring of tissues `round her swivel chair, her bible on her lap, and the poem I had written up on the screen. She swiveled towards me as I came through the door, tears steaming down her face, and she screamed, "WHY"!? Then I ran.
I ran out the back door and all the way `cross the field, (barefoot too! Since I had taken my shoes off to let them air out on the drive home). I came to the bridge at the south end of our field where I could see Search and Rescue folks walking up and down both sides of the banks, and a helicopter overhead. I thought to myself, "I wish I could trade places with that little kid right now", I but I never jumped into the Green (even though I would have most likely drowned since I don't know how to swim). But the thought crept into my mind that, if I did jump in that river, I would likely have been saved by one of the boy's rescuers and been made to look a fool… (so I guess that stubborn man-pride is a good thing in some ways). After that I headed up to the cliff where I had attempted to end my life on my birthday, two birthdays ago, and sat the night out there, avoiding my mother.
After that me and my mother (who I had been best friends with always beforehand, by falling into the place of "mother's little helper") became very distant from each other for most of my senior year of high school. During the winter we finally sat down and talked some more, and decide that we could "agree to disagree". The rest of my senior year was peppered with little spats and debates on religion & homosexuality, until in May (2005) when I had Jefferson come out again.
*Note: the first time Jeff came out it was May 16th and my mother was out of town taking care of her parents down in Fruita, CO. The second time Jeff came out was just after Dad Dean's (my paternal grandpa) funeral (May 23rd). The Sunday before hand my ma` and me went to Josie's in the night to get some Iris virginica (wild Iris) for Dad Dean's flower arrangement. My mother and I both were astounded to see fireflies when we came into the marsh, and both commented to each other that the field full of lavender irises and their sweet perfume, mixed with the full moon's reflected light off of Split Mt., added on to the ambiance created by the unexpected presence of fireflies, created an overwhelmingly romantic effect and both of us remarked that we would like to bring someone special there.
So that evening after the funeral was over (which was horridly emotional for me, since I felt I never got to say good bye, nor did I ever get a chance to tell Dad Dean the "truth" about me, ergo making me feel as though I had lied to him… not to mention that was the first time I was ever a pallbearer, and was quite shook by that experience itself), I called up Jeff and asked him to come out to my ranch, because I wanted to show him something special. After hanging up the phone I told my mother that Jeff would be coming out to visit me for a bit, but that he wouldn't be here at the house for long. She knew by this time that Jeff was my crush, and had kinda` evolved into being my boyfriend, (in my mind at least). Surprisingly my mother was very good about it, even though it was very last minute and my mother knew that we only had the 35 minutes it would take Jeff to drive from Vernal out to the ranch, my mother helped me to do a quick clean of the house and started making a coffee cake. So that when Jefferson came to the door, there was coffee hot in the pot, and a cake just about ready to come out of the oven.
I introduced my mother to Jeff, and they both gave their awkward pleasantries and smiles, before my mother offered Jeff a cup of coffee, and informed him the coffee cake would be out of the oven in a bit. My mother hovered for a bit jumping into the conversation about different dance plans and times for classes, until the cake was done, where she then served Jeff, and then me a piece before she took her own into the living room with her where she busied herself with attempting to do laundry whilst watching television. After Jeff and I thanked mom for the coffee and cake we said goodbye and I took him out to Josie's to surprise him with his first sight of fireflies in his life, amongst other things.
Just the Friday before Dad Dean's funeral (and that night with the fireflies), I didn't come home that night, it having been the first night that I spent with Jefferson after he had given me my first kiss, and other firsts. My mother called me twice that morning, worried that I had driven off in a ditch falling asleep trying to drive home in the late night/early morning… I didn't get the first call, having been in the shower with Jeff, when she did call, and the second call she gave to me as I drove my way home. I know she knew what I had done (or at least had an inkling of what may have transpired), but she never brought it up (until I brought it up much later). I think that she was supporting me in my choice in her own way when all she said was, "Quayle, you're an adult now, and you can choose if you want to stay in town or not".
That was spring/summer 2005, and all throughout it she would do her best to support me, but would come to conflict with her religious beliefs (zealot Baptist) on more than one occasion. After I told her about Jeff she kept on warning me about how I would get hurt (just as she did, (not only with my dad recently, but also how she was hurt by her first love when she was young) she kept on saying things like "it's only puppy dog love". "Don't get too hurt by that first blow"…etc. I kept getting angry at her then thinking me and Jeff were a sure thing, because of how much I loved him… unfortunately I couldn't see what my mother was trying to point out to me, that I loved Jeff so much, and he didn't love me at all.
When Jeff started to push me away more and more (after a little "incident" on the last Friday in June of 2005) I did some stupid things, and my mother did her best to support me, but didn't know just what to say. This continued when I came to Westminster, getting myself more and more emotionally damaged by guys I used trying to have them fill up the hole in my heart that Jeff had left. None of it worked and it was spiraling me closer and closer to the cliff edge I stood at a few years before. She called almost every Sunday, visiting with me, but I usually turned the conversation on to her, and how she was doing with the finalization of the divorce (December 3rd 2005), and asking her how her own dating was going as a way of deflecting her from inquiring into my own social life.
During winter break (2005) I went home to an empty house (since my mother was required to move all of her belongs out of the Chew ranch by December 11th, as part of the divorce agreement. I broke down and became more suicidal during that time, but luckily my dad opened up and let me help him out, and visit with him and his girlfriend Judy. I wanted to see my mom during the winter break (since I hadn't seen her for quite some time before) so I headed up to her parent's ranch (The S-S) where she was going to be living whilst she attempted to find a new home. While my mother and I shared two hours in the late night of Christmas 2005, I think she and I were more connected then than we had been in a long time. The few hours we had alone to visit in the poor cold old decrepit ranch house she grew up in, was something I treasured dearly for we were able to share our own pains, and see how we both were suffering from a feeling of being "homeless" (in a fashion), having horrid luck in love, having no money to speak of, and being terribly depressed by the weather (we both have SAD (seasonal affective disorder)). Her sacrificing those two hours that she probably needed to be sleeping, (since she had to wake up in two more hours to go to work), made me know for sure that she really, really, really loved me.
The phone calls my mother and I shared the rest of the school year, were more extensions of religion, no money, depression, bad dates, and discussing the morality of homosexuality. I am thankful in a way that my mother was so destroyed by the divorce and the additional blow from my coming out to her. I think that having her foundation so totally, that has allowed her to be able to open up, and rethink/re-explore her religion, for now she has become much more a better person.
Just back in June (2006), when Nathan (my boyfriend) and I when down to Fruita, CO to visit my mother at her new house she bought (not that far from where her parents are living, and just a little ways away from her aunt) my mother was warm and welcoming, genuinely smiling and greeting Nathan, and allowed he and I to sleep together in her guest room (of course nothing sexual happened, for my mother and I have very clear understandings of what is allowed under one's own roof, and what is not allowed for that don't own that same roof).
? Twin Cousin ?
My senior year (2004-2005 school year) was filled with coming out to many teachers classmates and friends. One of those classmates/friends was my twin cousin (she is only 43 & ½ minutes older than I am) Marlynn. Whilst we were on a Sterling Scholar bus trip (March 2005) to regional competition, Marlynn, Elizabeth (a life-long friend) and I were playing "20 questions" and Marlynn was drilling me on who I liked. She kept asking her questions in the same style always asking "does SHE have…", "Is SHE…", "Is HER name…" etc. always assuming that I was interested in a member of the opposite-sex. In the end she was utterly confused and had already exhausted more than her share of questions, and had asked me if I liked so-and-so or so-and-so until she had no more names that fit the features and likes that she had harvested from me. Then she asked the fateful question, "Is SHE a HE"? With that Elizabeth (who was already privy to the information) and I busted out in laughter, and Marlynn jumped back away from me utterly astounded. She was very uncomfortable about it for a while and then had several other conversations with me and now is one of my best supports.
? Fellow Gay Cousin ?
My mother had visited about her concerns with me & my sexuality with her brother David & his wife Barbra whose son is also gay. I don't know what all they visited about or if my mother visited with more of her kinfolk than that pair, but somehow my cousin Dan (who is also gay) caught wind of it and contacted me via e-mail/messenger. He was very supportive and proud of my coming out. He and the majority of my maternal relatives (even 3rd and 4th cousins who knew me) knew that I was gay, ever since I was a little kid. Dan and his fiancé Sean kept in contact with me all through the coming out process and were a great wellspring of advice, comfort, & support.
? Father ?
I had always feared the thought of telling my father. He is a disturbingly quite man, with harsh pale blue eyes (nearly white, similar to the marled eyes of the dead) deeply set in his permanently sunburned and creased sharply angular face… always looking at everyone as if he is a coyote and they a blind, deaf, dumb lamb.
It was father's day when I decided to tell him. I was working for the park that summer (as I have for the past few) and during my lunch break I drove over to the sheep coral on Blue Mt. and came to his camper. I shared lunch with him, and then went out to my bronco to get his father's day gift. I started my bronco left it idling, and took my Bucknife ® out from under my driver's seat, and put it into the back of my pants where I could easily reach it if I needed to. I left the driver's door open to my idling bronco and headed to the door of the camper. I handed my dad the new Shakira CD, (Oral fixation), and my whole body tensed as the words left my mouth in a rush, "happyFather'sdaydad!I'mgay". Much to my surprise and relief my dad didn't reach for the shotgun on the wall as I had anticipated him to do, instead he simply & calmly said, "I know." I calmed down and asked him how, and he responded with telling me that when I was young and near death with pneumonia, he held me in my arms, and while he was doing this my little body had an erection… something I now know to be perfectly normal for babies… but it was still something that frightened my father horribly. That day he pulled himself away from me and my mother, blaming her for "making me gay".
Luckily since then my father had had time (my whole lifetime) to come to grips with my sexuality, and after I came out to him we were able to have many deep conversations. I believe this is because he related to me in some fashion because of a feeling of being "outcasts"; him as an adulterer and me as a gay person.
? Brother ?
August 23rd I got back from the national Envirothon competition in Missouri, and on my way home from Salt Lake City I drove by my brother's house, and found him outside practicing archery. I got out of my truck and went over to where he was shooting. Seeing the bow and arrow in his hands gave me second pause, for fear that he might launch the missile into me, either in rage or simply turning towards me & releasing in shock.
friends
I already mentioned my coming out to my cousin's (which I also consider my friends).
My friend Elizabeth is a very staunch Mormon, but also is one of the few Christians I've met who actually lives up to the name. She was non-judging and loves me anyways, though she may not understand it in the least.
My friend Gwen was upset when I first told her, because she had had a crush on me all through the school year, and was upset to find out that I wasn't interested in her. My not being interested in women in general didn't bother her in the least.
My friend Megan was very angry with me because she too had a major crush on me, and wasn't happy to learn that she had no hopes of winning that form of affection from me.
My friend Sarah gave me a big hug, then said, "It's about time! I am so happy for you!"
Most of the kids I had as a young child had drifted away into their own directions when high school came. My best friend growing up, Kyle was supportive but distant. We still don't talk much, and I don't know if it is because of discomfort, or simply from a lack of contact.
Every friend I've made here in college has known from the start that I am gay, and none have had problems… if anything it is endearing, methinks.
community
The community on the other hand… Most Jensen folk have always thought me weird and shied away from me for the most part. There are plenty though that know me better than most, and think me to be a fine young gentleman, if a little odd.
Vernal is Hell. I've had so many mean words and gestures thrown my way with the accompanying dagger glares and unsaid disapproval, it's a wonder that I didn't turn homicidal.
Sugarhouse is my haven… I feel safe, and comfortable being myself there. Often getting compliments and nice words that I relish much more than the spiky regards of the folks in Vernal (a.k.a. "Urinal")
educational systems (high school and/or college years)
I always felt that teachers were there to be my friends in school, and most were really nice to me all throughout primary education. Many just would deny the obvious, even though they knew. Some would even go so far as to say that it was just a phase, and that I would find a nice young lady to marry someday. The rare liberally-minded teachers I encountered loved me, and would offer words of encouragement and support.
I came to Westminster with high expectations after receiving a post card that bore the mission statement of "Diversity". I sought out an admission's counselor by the name of Kristen. She came to Vernal and did an admission's program at the Western Lamp Lighter ®. She offered that anyone with specific questions seek her out the next day there at our high school (Uintah High School) in our admissions office. I didn't eat lunch and instead found Kristen, and timidly asked her the frightening question of, "what is Westminster's attitude toward gays"? She was encouraging and helped me coax the words out of my trembling little body. She told me of the diversity program, and how Westminster had a high gay population.
I came to Westminster feeling fully out and was atrociously flamboyant throughout the first year of freedom from the constricting environment of Vernal, that I overcompensated and was rebuked by other students (gay and strait) for being "too gay." My second semester I calmed down, and encountered my first hate crime experience against me. It shook me to the core, and I was ready to leave Westminster. Even still I know that there are still folks out there (and will be everywhere) that just hate me, for no more reason than because I'm gay.
My teachers and most of my classmates have been very supportive of my "out-ness" and in general I feel rather comfortable if constantly on edge.
Describe the disappointments you experienced 'coming out'.
I try to make it a point not to have any expectations, so that I don't become disappointed. I didn't really expect anything from anyone coming out, other than hatred and rejection. Some people lived up to the expectation, and there was a wonderful few that disproved it.
How did you overcome your own issues of homophobia?
I still have some issues with homophobia… mainly a general mistrust of most gays, due to my consistent findings that most gays are egocentric, materialistic, pessimistic, promiscuous, immature, and without faith & humility. I know I have portrayed all these traits, but have worked to cull them from my personality as best I can. I simply dislike the constant barrage of this mono-cultured sub-culture.
To overcome some of my general discomforts with gays, I first had to learn to love myself. A trying task that I still struggle with.
I also have been able to make a small handful of friends that are also gay. I struggle to like them most of the time. Lesbians I have little or no trouble liking, and the majority of my friends now-a-days are one form or another of bisexual.
Describe your past experiences growing up in your culture that affected your 'coming out'.
There are so many that I don't think I could recall them all, even if I hadn't repressed most of them. Some of the ones that burn in my mind the most are memories of going to either my mom's church (Grace Baptist) or my Grandma's and Aunts Mormon Church, I can recall people in both congregations saying that gays were going to go to hell, and that they were evil people set on converting everyone to their perverse ways.
I really recall being 16 or 17 and being on the "Martin's Cove" trip with my Grandma's and Aunt's ward. I remember an elder saying something really degrading, and me feeling so upset that I walked over to him with intent to harm him, unleashing my sharp tongue instead. This theological battle never came to physical blows but the wounds the old fucker left still sting to today.
I also can remember from when I was very young, that whenever a ram in our buck herd started to show exclusive interest in other rams (therefore not impregnating the ewes, as his function and reason for living as he was expected to do) was always culled out of the herd. Either loaded up and sold to a hobby farmer, or as was more often the case, sent to butcher. I even remember seeing some shot out-of-hand, when it was too much of a bother to try to sell them or their meat.